Vernon Rochefort

Before we start I wish to make it perfectly clear that I am not a very nice man.

I don't like you, I don't like the way you look, the way you dress or the way you style your hair.

Unfortunately due to a slight discrepancy with my tax bill I have had to accept this lowly position with a pointless company.

Of course, just because I have to work here doesn't mean I have to work hard, and so I have decided to simply host some articles on what passes for fashion these days, instead of going through the pointless toil of writing them myself.

To this end I would ask you to write in with your witless and poor quality articles, and if I believe them to be written by a human hand, I may allow them to be published under my own name.

Send any ideas, suggestions or bank account details to Idea_Stealer@dresslikeme.co.uk.

Shall we begin?

The Holy Grail Of Fashion

Women you must read this – I mean it.

Having spent many years simply roaming around this serene and dignified country I have by chance happened to stumble on scrolls of such learning and insight I have decided that the entire world needs to know.

I have translated them from ancient Arabic myself and now wish to bring them to you as my gift for better living. This is the first installment.

Underwear

Much like modern man, the intellectuals of ancient Arabia bowed before the glory of women’s underwear. During an exhaustive days study they hit upon a quite beautiful marking system that by some extreme twist of fate exactly matches the original points system of Formula 1.

10 Points:	Bra and Pants are a true match being of the same colour and pattern. They cannot be seen through the overgarments.
6 points:	Bra and Pants are the same colour but from different sets therefore having different patterns. They cannot be seen through the overgarments.
4 points:	Bra and Pants are in contrasting colours for example primrose yellow and eggshell blue. Up to 4 bonus points can be awarded if the underwear is chosen to combine with the overgarments, for example if a woman had to wear a dark skirt/trouser and lighter top then having dark pants and lighter bra should not be discriminated against.
3 points:	Bra and knickers are totally different coming from different sets or time periods. Little care has been taken in choosing them. Underwear once again should not be seen through overgarments.
2 points:	Underwear may or may not be matching since they turned grey several centuries ago. Not suitable for a formal occasion or indeed any occasion where other people are present.
1 point:	Underwear is easily visible through overgarments. For example a black/red bra and a white blouse. Also applies to dark pants and light skirt/trousers. Only suitable for the North East or King’s Cross

If you are afeared for your fashion safety then please e-mail me at fashionfauxpas@dresslikeme.co.uk and I will be happy to advise you.

This applies especially to those of you with underwear problems who need the advice of the ancients.