Psychic Sild

It is a well documented fact that fish only have an eight second memory.

Many think it is because they are stupid and underdeveloped. In fact it is because they are so busy looking into the future that they have very little time for the present.

The most powerful of these soothsayer fish is the little known ocean sild. Especially when bathed in a rich tomato sauce.

The growing influence of dresslikeme has allowed us to hire one of these mystic mariners for the personal use of our readers. Here is the next report.

Fashion Overview:

Think 1490’s billiard room chic. Think hunting parties in the King’s forests. Think banquets in the great halls with smoke filling the room. Think mighty men on huge chargers fighting for their honour and country. Think ruffs. Go on I dare you.

Wednesday

CAPRICORN AQUARIUS PISCES
ARIES TAURUS GEMINI
CANCER LEO VIRGO
LIBRA SCORPIO SAGITTARIUS

CAPRICORN (22 December – 20 January)

Mixed week for you Capricorns with some ups and downs in relatively equal measures. You will fulfil your childhood dream of meeting John Craven on Tuesday but then be struck down with fever on Wednesday. Luckily for you Beechams is two for one this week and John sends a get well soon card. He loves his fans.

CANCER (22 June – 23 July)

This week you will have to look at your finances. Luckily for you the astral plain is giving you all the right signs for financial stability. Unfortunately the debt collection agency know where you live and want to break your legs. Explain to them that being in debt is what Cancerians do – hell they knew your starsign when they leant you the money.

AQUARIUS (21 January – 19 February)

Avoid going out on Wednesday as danger walks abroad. Normally this wouldn’t concern you but danger is also lurking more locally as well. Beware black cats, ladders, graveyards and accountants. Write a letter to your MP and voice your concerns over the newly created parking policy.

LEO (24 July – 23 August)

For some reason you will entertain the notion that powder blue brings out the colour of your eyes. Personally I think you are mistaken but being a Leo you will probably ignore everything that I say. You are unlikely to meet George Clooney this week as his shooting schedule still has him in Rio. Better luck next time.

PISCES (20 February – 20 March)

The full moon brings news on your appeal, but not the verdict you want. Your sentence will not be reduced and so seven years of porridge awaits. They have Internet inside.

VIRGO (24 August – 23 September)

You will be struck twice this week: Firstly by the beauty of the world and the awesome power of nature, and later by a piece of two by four in a regrettable incident with your local butcher. Don’t be discouraged by the assault and keep on chanting ‘Meat is Murder’ outside your local delicatessen. The world must know the truth.

ARIES (21 March – 20 April)

Well you’re an Aries and you feel smug about it. Who wouldn’t. After all you are blessed with intelligence, wit, good looks and a country estate in the Chilterns. Well done you, but remember to help those with less fortunate signs like those poor Virgoans. On second thoughts who cares. Nobody likes a Virgo anyway.

LIBRA (24 September – 23 October)

Something bad will happen on Tuesday. Probably around midday and will contain the letter Q and the number 8. Possibly a car numberplate. Maybe a postcode. Tell me all about it on Wednesday. Lucky Siege weapon – Onager.

TAURUS (21 April – 21 May)

At last some good news from your Asian property portfolio. After thirteen years of falling profits and collapsing prices, an upturn is on the way. This is due primarily to the new tax laws in China, but also thanks to Mars the bringer of War. Don’t throw a party yet though as the gas bill is going to be crippling.

SCORPIO (24 October – 22 November)

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair turns up at your house to remonstrate with you about your unruly hedge. Give him some secaturs and tell him to sort it out himself. Oh and put a huge bet on Prime Minister Blair being forced out of government this week – it will pay for your cocaine debts. All Scorpios are shameless addicts.

GEMINI (22 May – 21 June)

Would you believe that not only is Mercury in ascendancy, but WBA will sign a Peruvian international for an undisclosed fee. What does this mean for Gemini? Mixed fortune. Mystic vegetable this week is the squash. Hmmmm.

SAGITTARIUS (23 November – 21 December)

A Dear John letter and a dead ferret on Thursday will sum up your week perfectly. Still with Jupiter increasing its influence in the third house and the moon undecided about its waxing and waning you got off pretty lightly. Don’t bother doing the lottery on Saturday